Alzheimers

This morning at the Hallmark store an older couple walked toward me as I was making my choice.  The woman looked at me with an incredible intensity, and said, “Kiss me!” 

Her husband redirected her toward the shelves with the cards, and apologized.  He said, “That’s the Alzheimer’s talking.  Nothing good about that at all”.  He was obviously embarrassed that his wife would say this to a total stranger, but I assured him that I understood, and that he didn’t need to worry. 

As I continued looking for the cards I needed, I kept an eye on the couple.  He continued guiding her from card to card,   She clearly wasn’t going to contribute meaningfully to the selection, but this man wanted to share that part of the Christmas season with the woman with whom he had spent his life, for as long as he can. As I left, I stopped to touch the man on the shoulder, and just thanked him. 

Throughout the day, the memory of this couple has stayed with me.  I wonder about the life they had together – and the love they must have shared; the legacy of love that endures enough that he continues to carry her through this final stage.  I wondered about the children they may have nurtured and raised together – and perhaps the grandchildren they came to know and love. 

As we rear our children, each year—sometimes each week—brings evidence of their continuing development from total dependence to full independence and an existence as our fellow adults.  There are so many opportunities for joy and recognition as this evolves. 

How different it is to care for one whose light is slowly fading before your eyes.  The person who once made us laugh, cry, scream – who filled our heart with all the range of emotions we have the capacity to feel; slowly losing touch with the outside world, then even their interior.  There is no anticipation of any improvement – except for those who look forward to a better existence after we shuffle off our mortal coil. 

I’ll never know this man, but I admire him – as I admire other people I know—including some very close to me—who surrender so much to care for loved ones who can no longer care for themselves.  A Supreme Court justice once responded to a question about obscenity by saying that he couldn’t define it, but ‘I know it when I see it.’  I don’t know that I could offer a reliable definition of love, but I too know it when I see it.  

Wild Movie

There is a concern in some circles that the popularity of the book and movie Wild will draw huge crowds of ill-prepared novice hikers to the Pacific Crest Trail and other wilderness trails, spoiling the solitude for those who've been there all along – similar to the hordes of novice fly fishermen who descended upon Montana rivers a few years ago (‘A Tourist Runs Through It’ – as the locals say). 

I don’t think this should be a long-term concern.  There’s lots of room in our western wilderness – and most people won’t venture more than a couple miles from the trailhead anyway.  Enthusiasm will likely draw people for a while who've rarely experienced wilderness; many will fall in love with it, and some will join the efforts to preserve it.  Most will then go back to their lives, enriched for the experience.  And with those few for whom this is truly life changing, they will be welcome to integrate this into their lives and healing processes.  Aside from a handful of grumpy purists, I can’t imagine anybody begrudging that of anybody.    

If you like this, Forward ...

The easiest way to tell whether a FB post is funny enough, intriguing enough, poignant enough, or otherwise motivating for people to forward is whether or not they forward it – without being told to. There's plenty of traffic on Facebook without people being forwarding crap in response to some cloying demand.   

Forward this if you agree … ;)  Ninety percent of the people who read this won't.  Gawd!  I wish it were 100%.    

Happy Against Their Will

You cannot make somebody happy against his or her will. 

Those who feel—sometimes quite correctly—that they wield power through expressed or implicit unhappiness are not going to put that power at risk by cheering up.  

The Perfect and the Good

It is said we should not let the perfect be the enemy of the good.  

Correct, but on the other hand, neither should one let the barely adequate become the enemy of the good.  

Tending a Broken Heart

A broken bone, carefully tended as it fully mends, may end up stronger than if it had never even broken.  

A thoroughly annealed weld may likewise be the strongest part of a repaired work piece. 

But a bone tested too soon, or a carelessly welded repair will be brittle, and vulnerable to fracture again at the same place. 

So with a broken heart.  Take time and care to allow complete healing to occur before exposing it to risk.  When the time is right, a fully healed, resilient heart will be better prepared for the give and take of what comes next.  

Take time.  Take care. What you need will be there when you are ready. 

Watching Children Play

There are few things in life more revealing than quietly watching a young child play with dolls or pets.  

The praise or criticism, nurturing warmth or coldness they share with the small things over whom they have control is such a lucid mirror revealing what we have taught them – beautiful, poignant, reinforcing; sometimes heartbreaking; always instructive.

Righteous Indignation and Anger

When looking for new friends, seek out those with whom you share positive interests – things you love; be it sports, hiking, photography, opera, whatever.  Over time, you are likely to find other things you love.  These may be woven into the fabric of the friendship, or not, but the foundation will still be the shared interest in the positive – and you will think positively when you think of each other.  

If you instead find friends with whom your shared interest is something you hate, or that makes you angry, you will learn to hate and be angry together.  You’ll meet and spend time with other people who are angry; and that will become your social norm. You’ll associate one another with anger, and will certainly one day will find yourself in the cross-hairs of the other's anger. 

This is not to say that one should never discuss social justice, unmet needs, or things which make us angry.  There is much injustice in the world – much to be angry about. But we need to take care that we not become consumed by righteous indignation, anger, or—further along the slippery slope—hatred.  Once these become a habit, they become an end in themselves, and will not be dislodged by the positive - even if the underlying cause of the anger is resolved.  

Nietzsche had a great take on this:

Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.