Unnecessary Euphemisms

I come from a family of non-cussers.  Mostly non-drinkers as well, so I suppose it’s been my responsibility to make up for their deficiencies in both of these areas. 

I find it compelling—in a literary sense at least (I’m not a mean person in real life)to push a non-cusser to profanity.  They mess it up, either as a result of inexperience, or by hedging their bets, and it comes out in the form of awkward semi-euphemisms.  Here are a couple I’ve come up with so far:

‘Hush the fuck up!’

‘I hope you burn in H – E – Double-Hockeysticks!’

The Divorce

This is from 'the book' I'll write one day.  It's mostly centered around a bunch of old buddies camping, and swapping updates on their lives, and other lies.  This is one of them relating his final conversation with his most recent ex-wife (probably #4, but I haven't decided yet). 

The Breakup

“She was always givin’ me shit about leaving the toilet seat up.  One day, I offered her what felt like a decent counter-proposal.  I’d leave the toilet seat down for her, if she’d leave it up for me.  She turned red, glared at me, and said, ‘How about if I leave it down, you leave it down, and I don’t walk over there and scratch your stupid eyes out?’

“Well, on balance that seemed like a pretty workable deal, so I told her, ‘Okay great, we’ll just treat it like it’s nailed down.  You leave it down, and I leave it down, 24/7.  But I pee standing up, and there’s nothing about a smaller target that’s gonna improve my aim.’

“She walked over to the vase her parents gave us, wound up and chucked it at me.  I suppose I could’ve caught it, but I just ducked to one side, and it smashed into the wall, right where our wedding picture was hangin’.  Then she turned around and walked out the door; slammed it so hard another couple pictures fell of the wall.  I ain’t seen her since.