My thoughts often turn to my beautiful kid, her dreams, and the excellent fortune I have enjoyed to play a small role in her becoming the fine adult she is.
When Maddie was around three or four years old, some of the other parents of her classmates talked about how they had gotten the bedtime process down to a well-oiled machine … bath, tuck-in, read a story, hug-and-kiss, and then leave until morning! I found that prospect very appealing, and suggested it to her mother, with whom I alternated bedtime duties.
Cindy hated the idea. She said that at bedtime, Maddie would open up and talk about whatever was on her mind, and continue to talk, even as she began to sleep, and entered a dream state. Cindy said that she was learning more about our daughter in those moments than at any other time, and that I was missing out by focusing on wherever else it was that I’d rather be.
Those words stung, but I took them to heart. Of course that’s where I wanted to be … or was it?
Since Cindy had no intention of truncating the bedtime experience on her nights, I wasn’t going to on my nights either. The rewards of taking Cindy’s advice began very soon. When Maddie knew she had my attention, she would relax and tell me stories, or ask me to tell her ‘Maddie Stories’, many of which starred ‘Super-Maddie’ who used her powers to rescue people, put bad guys in their place, or just generally make our town a better place to live. We always began Maddie stories with the introduction, ‘Once upon a time, there was a beautiful little blonde-haired girl named Maddie, who lived in a big white house at …’ followed by our address - in the hope she would commit our address to memory - just in case.
Very soon, I realized that there really was nowhere else I’d rather be than right there, learning from, sharing, and just loving and bonding with my kid.
In her teens, Maddie began to pull away, as kids are meant to do as they gain independence. After her mother and I divorced, during my weeks, we would often just talk about the things we needed to cover to stay on top of household and school responsibilities, and not chat a whole lot other than that. I didn’t know whether to perceive this as emotional distance, or just her need for quiet processing time. In either case, it would have been poor manners for me to intrude. I wasn’t really able to draw her out, but I assumed hopefully that everything was fine. It helped a lot to see that when she would have friends over, they would sometimes also just share space quietly, texting on their phones; not always chatting with one another.
Maddie and I streamed a lot of online television in those days; I came to know shows like Parks and Recreation, Monk, Psych, The Office, and other series that I had missed when they were broadcast, since I don’t watch much commercial television. We didn’t talk much while we were watching - but once in a while, Maddie would have something she needed to talk through. Sometimes, once she started, she could go on for a long time … like a burst dam. Young women in their teen years go through a special kind of hell with their friends and schoolmates, and I was privy to some of the worst of it. She wasn’t looking for a clueless middle-aged man to solve her problems, so I did my best to not propose too many solutions. She just needed me to listen; truly, I was privileged to be right there.
Later in high school, and into college, Madeleine has known she could count on me for occasional advice on papers, applications, and other academic stuff. She will still sometimes come over, and we’ll just quietly stream an episode or two of a favorite show, and I am now confident that it is not distance; it is a form of bonding that we continue to share. I sometimes call it ‘overlapping auras’, or ‘parallel play’. Within those moments, she will occasionally ask me to pause what we’re watching, and she will hold forth—sometimes pretty extensively—about something that’s on her mind. I will listen, occasionally provide a little feedback, but I try to never preach, or pretend that I have an answer which she is not soliciting.
I hope that, as life goes on, we can continue to do this in one form or another - however it evolves.
Cindy knows how grateful I am for her life-affirming advice encouraging me to take the time at bedtime, to listen to our beautiful daughter, and come to know her. Madeleine really has become one of the deepest, brightest, most interesting people I know, and one of my dearest friends - in addition to being the light of my life. I am enriched by knowing her mind, and am grateful that she chooses to open it to me. No matter when, or where we are when she wants to talk to me, she knows there is absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be.
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